Every year, whenever I acknowledged the fact that I am, once again, a year older, I tend to evaluate and question myself whether I am already on that certain height that I wished or planned to be at. Especially now that I should officially be past that phase called "quarter life crisis", and should already have a definite perspective in life. There are questions that I always ask myself during my birthdays: "what I really want to do", "what I really want to be", "how and what I should do to be what I really want to be".
The "really" in between the said statements, is to be emphasized so as to ascertain the shades of ambiguities enveloped within those claims, since there are some elements in life that somehow, make us think and feel at some point, that this is what we wanted and how we wanted it to be. But then, you would awake the following day, realizing that it was just a phase, a thought, an assumption, just because we felt a short-lived satisfaction for having this particular element in a particular period of our living.
I will be 26 years old tomorrow, and with all honesty, I dreaded being 26 because it sounded too old for me. But when I think about it, thoroughly enough, it is highly likely that I feared being 26 because I am getting older without getting into that level I dreamed and planned to be at when I was younger.
I was 17 then, the first time I stepped into college, when I had a perfect view of myself, of my aspirations, my dreams. I saw beautiful visions of me, successful, happy, contented somewhat. I planned to study hard, excel, make a bit of a name in the university, which I believe was attained. I studied hard, as hard as I could without sacrificing my social life. I met friends, this special group of people who were the witnesses of all my ups and downs, triumphs and defeats. I loved my college environment because it honed me well, too well in fact, that I have achieved so many things that I never imagined I could possibly have. From Mass Communications, I shifted to AB Literature on my second year. I was encouraged by one my dearest professors and she was the one who made me realize that I had an above the average writing skills (as what she said). I had been writing since elementary, but I thought it was just one of my many pastimes that I am good at, though not THAT very good at. I had always been selected to represent my class in essay writing contests back in high school but I never won, which did not really upset me nor affect me in any manner. I thought my number 1 talent was either singing or drawing, and number 2 could either be acting or dancing, but writing never occurred to me as a talent, though I truly love doing it. To shorten that story, I knew I had to pursue Literature the moment my professor told me I could write. This opportunity, undeniably opened a hell lot of doors for far more opportunities that I willingly embraced. In a cliche's tongue, I learned more of myself, of my talents, of my excellence. This was what I wanted all along. I was never more driven, madly driven for superiority and honor. I belonged to a group of people who shared the same passion for glory as I did, which fueled me, and us with one another, to strive, excel and win in everything we competed at. And it was a healthy competition. We helped and pushed each other to the top and we were happy, completely happy.
Another one of the many doors of opportunity opened for me was a beauty pageant.(blogged about it here). I thought it was rather an enormous eye opener for me, gracing the stage without really digesting the fact that it was, well, a beauty pageant. It was a first, an unbelievable first and most probably the last as I have no intentions of joining another again. It was more than enough for me to be able to experience it once. Joining that was one thing, but landing on second runner up was an entirely different matter. I mentioned in one of my posts (read here) that I had been past that point of school life when I was extremely bullied. I can't imagine how bullying had largely affected the manner I viewed life, knowing how fearsome and unjust the world could be, leaving me always frightened of people and of making mistakes. More than that, I've always seen myself as a tiny girl walking, no, running away endlessly from society, trying to find a safer place to hide. Unfortunately, the little girl would eventually learn that there was nowhere safe to hide, after all. I felt weak, helpless lost. I saw myself in the lowliest form, garbage, speck of dust, anything that only occupied space but never really mattered. Thus, beauty pageants were never at an arm's length for me. As such, having chosen to represent the Literature Department for this beauty event came to me as a shock, literally. Me? The one they called "kirara" and all sorts of names, to join a pageant? Nothing had ever been possible for me. The only answer I knew was "No" and the word "possible" was extinct. Until that day I mustered up the courage to go forth the stage, show them who I really was, what I can do, what I am made of, and bagged myself the third place. It was a day never to be forgotten. When all my whims of being a loser immediately evaporated and a light of confidence and faith had shone immensely within me. That day when I knew what I really wanted, and that was to succeed and stand out everywhere and anywhere I bring myself into. I've competed more writing contests and won most of it. I may have never won any grand prize, but everything I have ever achieved all did but add feathers to my lovely cap. I was basking in my glory and feeling happy all the more. But then, the ultimate goal was to graduate with Latin Honors. I studied my hardest, gave my all, until I cried because of the many sleepless nights drowning myself in my paper works and making sure everything would be flawless and would bring me a flat "1" in my class cards. There was unfathomable self fulfillment when I finally realized this ultimate dream. I graduated with a Cum Laude, feeling all the pride for myself and for my family, for my friends, knowing that nobody can ever look down on me again, knowing that I am far better, more beautiful, more intelligent and more human than anybody who saw and treated me otherwise.
At this very moment, as I've mentioned oftentimes before, I am working in a Bank with a decent pay and a potential future. I haven't climbed a step higher up the career ladder, but I am anticipating one step very soon which makes me feel giddy. I know I've worked hard for it, and will continue to work hard so that I can, once again, drown myself in a glory only I can ever appreciate.
Aside from having a good job, I likewise have some luxury of time to spend on my leisure. Blogging, of course is one thing that I can now concentrate more on. It also introduced me to a whole new and exciting realm of Fashion. Meeting a lot of bloggers and new people who have the same passion for creativity and vanity, I think :) I still get to enjoy Animes and cosplays, shop 'til I drop, visit one place at a time while I have not the extra resources. I must say, I am quite enjoying myself and will ensure to live my life everyday to the fullest! I have amazing friends who stick by me, come hell or high water, my ever supportive family who is my empyreal spring of inspiration. And of course, I have a boyfriend who dearly loves me for what I am worth.
Come to think of it, I may not be in that exact place which I've fabricated for my future, but I am quite certain that I am on my way. And I am trying to enjoy, learn and love life everyday, along with all the challenges it has in store for me.
I guess I can somehow reciprocate the feeling of devastation with contentment of being 26. Perhaps, I may end this lengthy speech with a greeting for myself.
Happy Happy Birthday Rose Anne! ♥
