Dear John : "__________"

It's barely 7am, and I am wide awake. A couple of hours ago, I was praying for sleep, a little yawn even, heavy eyelids, teary eyes. After several minutes, I was in the Dreamland Express. Sadly, I startled awake shortly when sunlight was already dripping from the narrow mouths of my window, which were slightly ajar. And sleep had left me all too soon. I thought I would need to be online, since I was in Bulacan all day yesterday, I didn't have the chance to browse anything in the internet. Then I had found myself reading my old blog. It had a funny name: www.aheartbeatwinter.wordpress.com. I thought it was funny because I was in my college days when I've set it up, back when the Emo fad was so high up in the skies and everyone claimed they were Emo. lol. But this blog was unbelievably special to me. It was the only witness of all my ups and downs. I've written my defeats and my triumphs in here and of course, the primary purpose was to exhibit to the world just how sappy I am whenever I fell in love. Having said that, I've recovered one post, which I believe, is the most unforgettable. It was dedicated, of course, to my boyfriend. I'm more than proud to paste a copy of that here, and show you how I can be as dramatic and corny I can be. :p

I was thinking about you all day, my cloudy vision fallen fixed on the empty concrete, twitching occasionally  as my pen cries out blotches of ink in this indecent piece of board, which I found somewhere inside the training room. I was looking at your pictures, feasting my eyes at your luscious pale rose lips and wished I was kissing you that instant

I miss you…

I miss you so much…

I long for you…

I was holding back the tears as you would not want me to cry whenever we are apart. I struggled to recall how you want me to find something that could take my mind off of us, not together; how you want me to write and go on. I did. And I was writing. I was blissful, utterly blissful. Though I wrote a new piece with only you in my head. Putting in remnants of our juvenile love story. I was feeling princessly in my personal fairy tale, somehow, or maybe Misa-chan while dreaming of Yagami Light.

I felt feathery and warm, like I could go on being caressed by the breeze, taking me to uncharted grounds, caring about nothing but living. I felt peaceful. A sensation strangely vague in my perspective. If I remember correctly, I have wanted that for the longest time, to be happy. To feel serene for a moment. I was wishing that I had never learned how to cry nor to bleed, as I had found shelter in this dark room for the many years I endured. I sought for it in many a different places and found but ephemeral fun that eventually faded and bored me to hell, where I ended up being all by myself yet again, in chaos and in blades. I did not know what I needed. I just wanted something, or someone. I was never certain.

I found you.

And I did not want to be sure. I did not want to go back from where I left off, wallowing in pathetic prejudices I came up with to bestow on my head the loser’s crown. But then again…

In you, I found the happiness, the fulfillment I sought for almost forever.

I feel safe and loved when I’m all covered up in your arms. feel the warmth of your body.

I know you are there and that I am protected, because with you, I would never have to think that the sun would have to die; that life flows in grace in every dying raindrop, no matter how hard they fell into the grounds.

And on the surface of this desolate piece of land where my weathering soul lay, I feel rising and breathing, to see your smile and see my face in the mirror of your eyes. Where I could see through you and know that you see me too. Seeing me, the beauty in this frailty and senseless vanity. You embraced me and kissed me and gave life to me. You made me see how the sun could triumph against the night when she awakens at dawn. And in that strength and victory lies such pulchritude in the living, and hoping to live, stretching out my body to dance to the rhythm and hum the melody that was Life and Death. I would cry for your pain and celebrate your happiness.

I am weaving white sandcastle dreams with you. And when our tears finally reaches the sea and destroy these dreams, I’d sleep all my life to weave better fantasies for you.

So close your eyes and open your heart. You might feel what could have been too close for these eyes to see, or too loud for these ears to hear…

Do you feelt it?

Hey John…I Love you…:)